My name is Christopher Kelly, and some of these stories will be personal while others will be more aimed toward the discovery of the Meopen idea. This story begins what I believe was my call to make a difference for God. These were the first moments when I realized that each person is born for a purpose. I do not condone suicide! Not only does suicide rob the love ones left behind, but it also robs God of the purpose for which you were born. Imagine your life was spared from suicide by a supernatural intervention of God. Would you not feel as I have since that day that God spared you for a very specific calling?
Before I tell this story, I do want to add a few disclaimers to protect and defend those that I love. I am not proud of these moments in my life, and I blame no one for what occurred that night. I do believe there are supernatural forces at work in this world, and some of them pounce in our greatest moments of despair seeing opportunity for destruction. I have a wonderful father and mother and three wonderful siblings who had nothing to do with the decisions I almost made that night. There are always disagreements we may have with loved ones, but that night was more a perfect storm of emotions from the perspective of a seventeen year old child.
Lastly, I write this story in the hopes that anyone who may be contemplating suicide will realize the utter mistake they are making. Suicide is a battle of the mind, and thoughts are spiritual in nature. We will learn the reality of this later, but thoughts do not come only from our spirit. Thoughts can arise from others through words, through evil spirits and through the Spirit of God. The decision to commit suicide is ALWAYS one that we are talked into from an outside source. Our minds have a desire toward self preservation until convinced to think otherwise. We also have the choice to accept and reject thoughts but often we do not use this ability. The edge of suicide is an ocean of thoughts at a million miles an hour. This is my story of hope.
A perfect storm was brewing. For many of us, the events of September 11, 2001 left us vulnerable to many questions. I remember watching the twin towers fall with tears in my eyes. I remember my parents asking if we should still fly on a plane a few weeks later to go to Florida for a big three-week vacation. Was it safe? You could add to that the fact that I was in my senior year of homeschooling. I had already taken a few courses at the community college, but I was not sure yet where I wanted to go to college or what I wanted to study. The girl I spent hours on the phone with at the time was not liked by my family. I did some dumb things as a teenager as we all do. I decided once I would take the math tests without doing the homework. That didn’t go so well. I also wrote a book report using an internet page that I rewrote. Yes, I did not read the book and was found out. Honestly, I was so sick of school and wanted to start college but the pressure to pick a college and major was building. Add this and other things together, and I was a powder keg of emotions waiting for the right moment to light the fuse.
It happened one night while we were at Disney World. I wanted to wait to ride in the front of the monorail that night, and I was told no. I had looked forward to doing this since I was 13 and we got the chance. I wanted to do it again for memory’s sake which struck the match. Upon arriving back at the hotel that night, my parents had a little disagreement which they quickly resolved, but it caused me to storm out in frustration.
I went down from the fourth floor to sit by the pool at the hotel. I was ready to blow emotionally, and I first began contemplating that night how I could “get back” at everyone and show them just how emotionally taxed I really was. Perhaps I was looking for some pity amidst my teenage self image, but I cannot remember at this point.
For some reason, I brought my Bible down to the pool. To this day, I believe God did that to prepare me for the moment He would intervene the next evening. I read the book of Joshua slowly for an hour or more during which the fireworks at Pleasure Island went off at some point. I felt a magical peace overcome me, but I thought nothing of it at that point. The next day we jumped in the van and headed for Key West, Florida. I spent a good few more hours reading Joshua as I felt close to God and was learning things I never knew with such concentration on Scripture. We got to the hotel and checked in, but my thoughts came back to me from the night before.
I cannot remember what triggered my emotional relapse to the previous night, but I waited until everyone went to bed and grabbed a knife from the kitchen then went out onto the terrace balcony about four stories off the ground at our hotel. I brought my Walkman CD player with the Wow 2001 Blue Disk in it, but I put it aside. On this patio, I came to the conclusion after a bit of thinking that I might want to kill myself to make my point well. I had tears in my eyes and began questioning how I would do it. I had the knife, but I thought that would be messy and painful. I then contemplated jumping, but I thought that might hurt pretty good jumping onto a cement surface if I survived the fall. Before I could make my mind up, I turned on my Walkman, put the earphones on and pressed play.
Almost immediately, I felt a presence with me. I still cannot describe what I felt that night in words as words do not do the description justice. I will just do the best I can. I looked up and saw lightening striking the ocean from clouds miles away, and I was in awe. I was no longer contemplating suicide at all. My mind was frozen if that does it justice. I had no thoughts or emotions; I just existed in that moment. The only experience that even comes close to describing what I felt on earth in this life was moments I spend laying with my wife where we just seem to melt into each other and nothing around us matters. I knew this was love, but it was a tangible feeling that affected me mentally, emotionally and physically at the same time.
I felt this tingling sensation that started in my head and over what felt like a two minute period slowly progressed down my body to the tips of my toes overtake me. As I did, I felt like I was being embraced by a force as if it encompassed me and was held completely in that force. Eventually, a voice started speaking in my head. The voice was not audible but telepathic in nature as in forms of thoughts. As the thoughts hit me, I felt radiation of loving energy hit me. It was almost as if the energy was healing my wounds. The words told me that I could not kill myself and that I must live on as my life has a purpose. I was called to do something, but I must discover what that something is in time. I cannot remember much more of what was said though many more things were said. I honestly think the rest of what was said was meant for healing my soul rather than gathering my mind which is why I do not remember the rest.
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,Psalm 34:18
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
After the entire CD played through, I started again as I wanted the entire experience to last forever. Eventually, the presence left me well past midnight. I felt on top of the world with no thoughts of suicide anymore. I had to figure out what the purpose was for which I was told to continue living. In time, I came to believe that Psalm 34:18 was the reason God met me on that balcony in Key West that night. I was afraid for years to tell anyone about that experience, but obviously now, I feel like it is a strong part of my journey.
I realize now that was the night I came to believe that God created every human being with a purpose. I also believe that a large number of people are not living the purpose for which God created them. I also realized that night that God wanted me alive, so I was no longer ever going to contemplate suicide. I have told some people over the years since then about that experience before now, and I always told them that I am prepared to die when the time comes. If that was a little glimpse of heaven, I am ready when death comes calling. Obviously, I am no longer desiring death as I have a wonderful family and things to do here before I go, but I can’t wait to see glory someday.